January 5th
January 5th day 8: Chinese food. That's all I had today basically. But I fucking hate myself for it. I ate alot of it and for some reason when I got on the scale I gained a bunch of weight, like 4 pounds heavier, I felt heavier sure but fuck I didn't have that much to eat and sure I weighed myself later but it shouldn't have been that bad. Fucking hate my mom for ordering out, I hate fast food in general I just want my regular shit again but mom keeps holding back on fucking groceries. And also I'm fully relapses on cutting, doing it on my torso this time so no awkward questions. And my desire for something to alter my brain is heavy, I want some drugs, anything. It's been around a month since I used up all that medication I found at school and even if it was for freaking allergies it still made me pass out hard which would majorly help my insomnia at night. Last night was weird, I felt odd, I couldn't sleep but my phone was too bright and my head was gnawing at me to do something and I didn't even wanna put on my glasses so I just stared at the wall and ceiling while listening to videos of the only british person I love online tell stories about their amazingly cool teenage life, I want that kind of life so fucking bad... I'll probably see if I can steal something from my mom when she picks up groceries tomorrow. Hope she has something, anything. She'll probably have edibles which will work