January 3rd
Ive been dealing with alot of shit lately. I lost the weght i gained yesterday and a bit more but i still feel a bit gross cause i think i ate a lot today. I wish i wasnt fat, i would have such a better life. I would have friends, connections, experiences. The only kind i have so far is groomers online and some chubby chaser sophomore who wanted to get in my pants, still wish he wasnt so fucking pushy, i mean i let him touch my boobs and he was expecting so much shit. Thats what i hate about other teenagers, maybe its my lovesick brain but i want some fucking romance, yearning, some digity or fun not just sex. But ill get that after ive transformed, let ana take control and after my big break from the outside world. Ill be new again, be pretty and thin, actually goth too.
They dont really tell you, but its so fucking hard to be goth and fat, you look like such a fucking stereotype, i mean Henrietta from south park is cool but anyone irl youll never be as cool as her, or even look good. my cheeks are so red most of the time even with caked on foundation you can still see it, and my eyelids and the fat around them make actually seeing my eyeshadow pointless. And again my cheeks… jeez i just want them to be hallow and pale, want my whole face to just be less. Being fat fucking sucks so much more then you would think, i mean leg warmers look weird, you cant get those cool studded belts because they never fit, and any top just makes your boobs show more then you want. I get the whole cool goth dommy mommy vibe is a thing but thats not me, i want to be a cool thin girl, flat and boxy, the ones in clubs and seems to know everyone, the one who still has confidence but isnt a fucking bitch, the cool one whos going to be a writer or something one day, the one who can actually wear fucking leather and spandex wthout looking like a metallic ballon.