Day 2 of my journey.
My plan is working, I'm doing the right stuff and it's working. The scale might be slow but I'm having control. I'm getting depressed, majorly, not just being on autopilot, I can feel it stuck in my brain and forcing the blindes open so I can see all that is wrong with me. I'll have to be slow with the naan bread I got today, it's fucking good, I'll let myself have it, but it's alot of fucking calories and I can't just have it as a snack like my old disgusting fat self would. I'll have fruit and tofu and vegetables, keep throwing out the rest or hiding it, even if it's a fucking protein bar, I can't let my mom ruin my progress, can't let anyone else, I need to get anorexia to fill me fully, not just for a few days, this is my life until I get to my goal. It'll be worth it, I'll get my break from life, temporarily or permanently. Though I wrote that all before dinner. I made something simple, cabbage, tofu, spinach, mixed with rice and fuck ton of seasoning. Again, it was good. But I had two small mugs worth of it along with some more naan, so now I'm feeling like a failure. I wish I didn't find comfort in cooking or baking, because it always leads to me eating. It's a distraction which helps me but also distracts me enough to go back on fucking autopilot and grab a small tea mug and say I'll only eat this much... Then I'll have another bowl.... Like a fucking pig. I'm not letting Ana leave me again, leave her disappointed and disgusted at me, I want her to stay, she's my only friend, even if she's just a haunting ghost in the back on the brain feeding into my self pity, at least she's giving me a reason to become more pitiful, she's making my issues become know to the world like they should be.